Bittersweet Creation

A few of the happiest moments of my life have come from creating things. Clothing, songs, poetry, food, photographs, watercolor, crochet, jewelry, stories, lists. My medium changes frequently, but I feel most whole when creating. My brain expands to the size of a small planet as it fills with my next endeavor, that I must begin immediately or it will disappear leaving my brain somehow deflated and "less" than it was before the initial inspiration.

Taken flying out of Seattle

The sense of accomplishment when done  is always amazingly empowering. However, it somehow simultaneously makes me menacingly aware of a deep insecurity. Hours of ideas, work and concentration have been poured into this song or picture or dress. The construction process always takes me through several emotional phases that include inspiration, research, multiple attempts, frustration and continued efforts until I am finally satisfied enough that I am willing to share my personal project with other people.
The intentions are sincere. The inspiration is real. But the finished product is a conflict within myself between pride and fear. Why is that? If I have given my all, imbued this object with all of my passion and desires, exhausting every effort to translate what is in my mind to reality, then why am I afraid? Every creation I have made has caused me to stretch myself. New techniques are learned and tried as I strive to communicate those inner thoughts and images with another person. Regardless of the end result each experience is valuable and worthy. So why is fear such an integral part of presenting the fruits of my labor?

A watercolor  painted for Gladys Patten for Mother's Day '11

Because I am bringing to life a part of me that has never been shared. I become vulnerable as I hesitantly try to share that part of me with another. What if it is rejected and by extension I am rejected? Maybe I will pick the wrong person to share my personal creation with. Perhaps the end result (or semi-end result since I am never fully satisfied and usually end up changing it) is so sub-par that it is not even worth the time it takes another person to experience my creation. I feel inadequate, like a child who is young enough that they can only make finger paintings for their mother, but is old enough to realize the lack of skill exhibited in such an attempt at art. "What a beautiful picture of a pig sweetie!" "That is a house, Mommy."
Typing this I am aware that even this blog is an outlet for me to create. I am slowly becoming less self-conscious of sharing those parts of myself. I have always believed that the best way to over come fear is to face it (that way, if you don't overcome it, you will at least know you have the strength to face it). Logic follows that more sharing would create more comfort in sharing.

The "Hip-Slinger" made for my
best friend Cameron's Birthday

I think more than rejection, I fear mediocrity. I do not want to let myself down or fall short of my full potential which causes me to be overly critical of myself. I am seeking for the balance so it will be a motivating factor in success rather than a hindrance that cripples my abilities (hide it under a bushel, NO! I'm gonna set the effing world on fire with it).
I am afraid of many things, but I try not to allow my fear to keep me from living an adventurous life and infusing each day with accomplishments. Like the day I ate an entire pie for breakfast. I was scared my stomach was going to explode, but I couldn't let that get in the way of finishing it off. "You gotta do what you gotta do."
-Megan Elizabeth
P.S. Happy Birthday Cameron!
P.P.S. A "Hip Slinger" is just a fancy new name for a  Fanny Pack. I guess that makes them cooler.