Except For Life

Many can be kind, giving, and understanding. Except for when they are stressed out or upset. Many people can be happy and upbeat. Except for the days that life does not go their way. Many people can be wonderful people who make the right decision. Except  for...

In high school I was speaking with a therapist. Most therapists were useless to me, but this one helped with a few matters. One day we were talking about my mother, whom I lived with at the time. I told her that my mother is amazing. She is serving, loving, creative, helpful, sincere and beautiful. Except for when she gets upset. 

"Everyone gets stressed out sometimes and handle it different ways. My mother comes from an abusive childhood and when she is upset she won't stop yelling. It is just what she was taught though. Sometimes she can't control herself and she can be a little violent. Now that most of the kids are bigger than her she doesn't do that as much though. Mostly she disappears all day. She either leaves the house completely or stays in bed all day. But that is only when she is upset. Otherwise she is one of the most amazing people I know."

 My therapist asked how often she gets upset, and I pondered the question for a few minutes before I choked out a response. 

"She is upset 95 percent of the time." I realized before I said it what that logically meant. I had spent years convincing myself that I had a good mother because I focused on the good and on what she projected to other people. It was not until that moment that I was able to accept the reality before me. The reality I had been hiding from myself to continue surviving in that world. 

I heard once that character is what you do when no one is looking. I would broaden that to include what you do when only your family is looking as well as what you do in stressful situations. That it also includes how honest we will be with ourselves and not just others.

People make excuses for why they usually do what they should, but are somehow kept from doing it in certain circumstances. They choose to explain away situations and ignore choices they have made because they don't want to admit to the situation.

"I would have stopped at the red light, but I was in a hurry."

"I would have served more, but I didn't want to step on anyone's toes."

"I swear these pants must have shrunk."
"I am perfectly amiable, except for when I am tired."

People choose to delude themselves into believing the reality that is easiest for them to accept. They place blame on the situation instead of fessing up to the fact that they have made a choice that puts them in a bad light. They claim that in a different situation they would have made a different choice, thereby justifying the choice they made. They fail to realize that this is the situation they were given and this is the choice they made. If they didn't like the choice they shouldn't have made it, but now that they have it is time to accept responsibility for their actions. It is time to see themselves honestly.
I don't want to be an "except for" person. It is no excuse for me to lose my patience with someone because I am having a hard week. True patience and charity are cultivated to such a depth that they come before any other feeling in a situation. They will trump irritation, frustration, and anger every time, leaving only a helpful loving hand towards the others involved.
I'm not saying I am going to be perfect at it immediately. The only perfect person is Christ. It is my mission to be like him though, and that is going to take work. I know that I will fall short of my goals sometimes, but there is a difference between making a mistake and making an excuse. I think it is most notable in the apology. Correcting a mistake takes humility and sounds something like, "I'm truly sorry. I never should have reacted that way and I need to make it up to you." I think someone who is not focused on improving and only temporarily bandaging the hurt might say, "I'm sorry I hurt you, BUT I was tired and you know how I get when I am tired."
Part of growing is making mistakes, but the only way to grow from mistakes is to admit to them and do everything in your power to keep them from happening again. 

I want to be a good friend and stranger "except for" when I am a great one. 

-Megan Elizabeth Martin